Toad in the Hole

I’ve telling people about this little piece of work for years now, but lost my copy somewhere back around 1970. It’s the official introduction to what we called “The Facts of Life” that I got when I was maybe 10 or 12. Mom started out reading it to me and then got embarrassed and said I could read it myself. It wasn’t The Facts that embarrassed her; it was the dreadfully strained, stilted, mincing prose that she was supposed to recite. She knew perfectly well that “my dear child” was a form of address that just screamed “Fake! Lies!” However, she also felt obliged to do the right thing, as the Church insisted this was.

MOTHER’S LITTLE HELPER
TWELVE HEART-TO-HEART TALKS OF A MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER
IN THREE PARTS

Copyright by Franciscan Herald Press, 1952
1434 West Fifty-First Street
Chicago 9, Ill.

Nihil Obstat: Rev. John J. Clifford, S.J., Censor Dept.
July 29, 1952
Imprimatur: + Samuel Cardinal Stritch, Archbishop of Chicago
July 30, 1952

NOTICE
This booklet is not to be placed in any book rack, nor to be sold
indiscriminately to the general public. Parents or other mature persons
desiring copies should apply to their pastor or write to the
publishers.

You’d think it contained instructions on building a nuclear device. I suppose that’s how we Daughters of Eve were supposed to think of our bodies, come to think of it.

From the intro:

It may seem to some that the information imparted in this little
booklet, and especially in Part One of it, is inadequate, and that the
girl of thirteen or fourteen might just as well be told the whole truth
with all details. Those who hold that opinion are probably unaware that
even in these days of enlightenment girls can get along very well with
very little knowledge about sex, as numerous examples prove.

And:

The chief reason, however, why so little biological information was
included in this work is that it seemed desirable to keep the subject
on as high a plane as possible; and that could not be done by ap-
proaching the subject from a biological or botanical angle,

“Botanical”???!

as if man were merely a somewhat more perfect animal and not rather just a little
below the angels. Only by constantly referring to the fact that man is
the work of God, and that every detail of his origin and development
has been ordained by God’s infinite wisdom,

Including his menstrual periods.

can one succeed in making the child realize that God alone is the author and master of life and
therefore that all the processes of life are as sacred as they are
mysterious and admirable.

There is, further along, an encomium to the saying, “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise.”

The Three Sections are to be read, respectively, to girls from ages 9 to 13, 13 to 15, and 16 to 18.

By way of observing Fair Use customs, I’m including just one longer excerpt. You can read the rest online at this precious resource. I must say, the whole thing taught me a lot about editing, way back then, when even I thought I was learning something else entirely.

Here’s part of the lowdown on menstruation, for your edification:

When these organs do begin to function and to produce that precious
substance, since God does not always make use of it for the formation
of a child and nature supplies it in abundance, the unused portion,
together with a quantity of blood, passes from the body at regular
intervals. This is what is known as menstruation; and once it has
begun, it usually occurs every four weeks, or thirteen times in the
course of a whole year.

As menstruation is a perfectly natural function, which all normal women
experience from the dawn of womanhood until they are about forty-five
years of age, it is important for you to understand right from the
start what to think of it and how to act in regard to it. Understand
well, then, my child, that menstruation is not a sickness or a
disorder, but the natural effect of the activity of those organs, which
are common to all women. If those organs are inactive, it is impossible
for a woman to become a mother. So if it is a little disagreeable at
times, do not be put out about it; but think it is a necessary
requirement for the dignity of motherhood, and that if all other women
have to put up with it, you will gladly endure it too.

Therefore make no attempt to stop the flow, because you cannot stop it
anyhow; and if you could succeed in stopping it, it would only do you
harm. But while you cannot stop it, you may and you should do all that
is necessary for the sake of health and cleanliness while it lasts.
Your body being a temple of the Holy Ghost, not only due regard for
health, but even proper reverence for God’s temple requires that you
try to keep it sweet and clean. For this reason you should bathe your
entire body quite regularly, washing even those parts about which you
feel the greatest delicacy and reserve in the same matter-of-fact way
as your face and hands. The latter precaution is especially necessary
at the time of your monthly periods. At that time, lukewarm water is
recommended as best for washing the parts mentioned, although at other
times moderately cold water is to be preferred. At no time, however
should really hot water be used for that purpose.

Regular and timely attention to cleanliness will go far towards
preventing itching in those delicate parts. But should you be troubled
with itching there nevertheless, you must know that there is nothing
wrong in touching yourself to stop the itching, just as you sometimes
rub even so delicate an organ as the ball of your eye. You should be
very careful, however, never to touch those parts for the sake of any
pleasure you might find in doing so, as that would not only be sinful,
but could even result in serious injury to the inner or outer organs.
Hence, if the itching is only slight, it is advisable simply to ignore
it, as it will probably disappear of itself.

Now that you know the meaning of menstruation, you will not be alarmed
when it occurs, but will realize that it has given you a new dignity--
the dignity of being able to be used by God for the creation of new
human beings. When you notice it for the first time, tell your mother
at once, and she will instruct you how to take care of yourself. In the
meantime, do not be anxious whether it will occur soon or only after
several more months or years; and until it happens, try to put all
curiosity concerning it out of your mind. Then when it does set in,
bear it patiently like a little woman. Do not be like some girls who
are vexed by what they call the mess of it, and who declare that they
wish they were boys. Rather be glad that you are what God made you. And
remember that whatever disagreeableness there may be about this
function is due to the sin of Mother Eve, and that you have to endure
only what St. Cecilia, St. Catherine, St. Elizabeth, St. Ann and all
other saintly women, including the Mother of God herself, had to endure
before you.